I remember / je me souviens

I remember / je me souviens

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For those limbic bursts of nostalgia, invented by Proust, miniaturized by Nicholson Baker, and freeze-dried by Joe Brainard in his I remember and by Georges Perec in his Je me souviens.

But there are no fractions, the world is an integer
Like us, and like us it can neither stand wholly apart nor disappear.
When one is young it seems like a very strange and safe place,
But now that I have changed it feels merely odd, cold
And full of interest.
--John Ashbery, "A Wave"

Sometimes I sense that to put real confidence in my memory I have to get to the end of all rememberings. That seems to say that I forego remembering. And now that strikes me as an accurate description of what it is to have confidence in one's memory.
--Stanley Cavell, The Claim of Reason

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I remember my imaginary cousin Zvezdana (Stella, roughly). I did not invent her. She was invented by my maternal uncles, all of whom were childless and one of whom, Uncle Miko, was not even married before WWII. An elaborate story was concocted about Zvezdana. She was supposed to be the daughter of my Uncle Mento and his wife Rahela, who lived in Belgrade. Zvezdana was a paragon of beauty, intelligence and virtue. She was a close friend of King Peter, who was a little younger than we, and she was a frequent visitor to the royal palace. I never for a moment believed the story - I was a precocious seven-eight year old - but I tried to catch my uncles in a lie. Every time I asked why Zvezdana never accompanied her parents when they came to visit my grandparents in Travnik, I was told my cousin had important engagements back in Belgrade involving royalty.

My father hated this game. He was particularly sensitive to cruelty of any kind and he worried that I would feel inadequate in comparison with my cousin.

The game came to an end when we were together again at my grandparents' house ( I think that was the very last time we were all gathered there before war broke out). My uncles were cradling in their arms a bundle meant to look like a child in swaddling clothes with a melon for a head on which a face had been drawn and on top of which a cap had been placed. I took a look at "Zvezdana" and swatted the melon, which fell to the ground and broke.

posted by alma 6:48 PM
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